Searching For The Heart (An AmazingPhil Fiction)
by IAmWhatIEat
Summary: Breathing is natural. Inhale. Exhale. But what happens when something so extraordinary happens that it sends you to new places, to new faces and takes your breath away? (Sequel to Love is Blind)
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"You don't have to do this alone, Phil." Carrie said as she jammed under her arm. She looked at me keenly as I tried focusing on the little things, like Carrie's springy blonde curls or that spider web in the corner that I should dust down.

_Inhale. Exhale._

It's the most I could do now. Breathe. One breath at a time. It had been almost six months now since them both were gone. Six months and four days. I focused on breathing, because I knew if I tried focusing on anything else, I wouldn't want to do this. I would shut down, not talk, not move, nothing or worse, I would panic. The knot in my stomach twisted around and I focused on not getting on the floor with my head between my knees.

I slowly turned the knob and pushed the door open. Six months ago I had found my best friend lying in his own vomit, a bottle of Oxy in his hands and a note on his body, dead. My fingers twitched on the box, emotions making me nauseous.

Inhale. Exhale. _Phil, you got this._ I tried telling myself.

Six months ago I buried my best friend and before him, the love of his life.

_Inhale. Exhale._

Six months ago, I shut down my YouTube account, closed his door, and never returned.

The place looked exactly the same, except it was in a torn up mess from the paramedics. I bit down tears and breathed as I started picking up things, one by one and putting them in the box. Carrie came in behind me and started pulling clothes off of hangers from the wardrobe and folding them neatly in her box.

Dan's stuff was easy. Most of it was going to go to his parents. It was Lia's stuff we didn't know what to do with. She came from America and had no relatives save an aunt. I didn't want to donate it to Goodwill or anything because that seemed so disrespectful…and permanent.

We worked in silence, slowly filling boxes up. I found random things like socks and books and a whole bunch of pictures.

Carrie started working next to me, finished with the wardrobe. She was humming something peaceful and it settled my nerves a little, but it was still so hard, being in here, invading Dan's space and trying not to relive that day I found him.

"What's this?" She said suddenly. I turned and watched her pull out small chest from under Dan's bed. I scooted closer to her and touched the box. It looked really old and I don't think it was Dan's because I would've seen it when we were moving in. Carrie slid her finger under the latch and I braced myself, like it was Pandora's Box and we were going to let go of everything wonderful in the world if we opened it.

Inside were letters. Lots and lots of letters. And some pictures. And some documents. But mostly letters.

"Look at this." Carrie pulled out a photo of a little girl with dark, almost black ringlets being lifted up and kissed on the cheek by a woman with dark eyes and long sandy hair. "Do you think that's-,"

"Lia." I breathed, looking at the photo. She was so young and her eyes, which were usually blank and staring were shiny and full of life. She looked completely different.

We pulled out things from the box, reading the letters and looking at the photos. The photos were of a perfect happy family from when Lia was an infant to when she was about eight years old. We read through some of the letters. They were mostly written from her mom to her dad, each envelope had a 'FAILUR E TO DELIVER' stamp on them. Her mother talked about Lia's blindness and her failure as a mother, each one hedging a little bit more of insanity and depression.

"What's this?" I pulled out a black box and opened it. Inside was a sterling silver locket on a thin chain. I managed to open the locket and found a folded up piece of paper. I pulled out the piece of paper and unfolded it.

_My heart does not beat_

_ It Rides with the sea, On the Beach of Tears_

_ It walks on The road paved With nebulas, their stars Shining bright_

_ It climbs the mountain sprinkled with magic, where happiness is made_

_ My heart does not skip_

_ It stops Only For the Best, Wrapped up in Vine_

_ On the Beach far From home, it watches And waits_

_ For that day to be reunited, to be whole, to be loved_

_ Again_

"Whose locket do you think this is?" Carrie asked, gently taking it from me and running her fingers over it. "And what do you think that means?"

"I'm not sure." I said, staring at the paper of riddles. I wondered what it means, what it was trying to say.

I had to find out.

For Dan.

For Lia.

For me.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"_The number you have dialed is not in service, please…"_

"Holy-," I slammed the phone back on its handle and picked it back up to hear the dial tone. This was the fourth number I had tried to call. None of the numbers seemed to work and I had tried every 'Everwood' in the massive LA phonebook I managed to find at the library. I sighed against the wall phone booth, taking my change out of the dispenser.

Inhale. Exhale.

I looked outside; the snow had piled up overnight and then melted before midday to create this dirty looking brown sludge that laid in the gutters. I walked back up to my flat across the way, shaking the snow off my boots in the doorway.

"There you are." My mother smiled and gave me a hug. I had forgotten that it was Tuesday. I had to go talk to Dr. Clarice Robertson on Tuesdays. It was part of The Deal.

"So you cleared out Dan's room?" She sipped her tea and looked at me expectantly.

"Carrie helped." I muttered and stifled the knot in my stomach that turned and twisted when I was on the verge of an episode.

"Well, that's good." She said. "Isn't that what Clarice recommended to do?"

I pinched the bridge of my nose, fighting a headache. "Clarice said to anything that I think would help give me closure."

"Did it help?"

"Not really, no. Actually, it probably made it worse, to be honest."

"Did you have an episode?"

"…No."

"Then it sounds like it helped a little." She shrugged. "We should go. I don't want to be late."

We walked side by side down the frozen sidewalk. We passed a small Starbuck's along the way and I saw a couple sitting together on one of their oversized couches, reading a newspaper together. The knot twisted and I focused on breathing and others things, like the lights that twinkled around the window and the brown sludge on my boots, than them.

We trudged up the stairs and into Clarice's small waiting room. Wendy, her receptionist that looked like a throwback to 1967, passed the sign-in clipboard across the counter. "How are we doing today, Philip?"

I wondered why she always spoke in plurals when she addressed me. I also wondered what box of hair dye created that unnatural shade of red and I wondered how fast I could make my hour go before I could get out of here.

"Phil?" Clarice stood at the doorway to her office. Clarice was a woman that resembled a green bean. She was very tall and very thin. She had long dark brown hair that she always had tied up in a pony-tail and a slight French accent.

She had two chairs in her office, one brown and one white that sat right across from each other. The first week of The Deal, I had to come here every day to talk. She made me pick a chair and then sat down across from me. That first day she didn't bring up Dan or Lia or the Incident. She didn't make my knot twist. She just sat there and I sat there and then all of a sudden, I started talking and I couldn't stop. Then I started crying. I had no idea why, since the whole time after the Incident, I pretty much refused to talk to anyone but my mum and Carrie. But I trusted her. I truly did. She was nice and she made me feel like less of this thing that needed to be fixed and more of a person whose issues were too heavy to have to be carried upon by one set of shoulders.

"Phil." She said happily. It wasn't a fake put on like others when they weren't sure that I wasn't going to flip out and threaten everyone with a broken bottle or something. "How has this week been treating you?" She sat down in her white chair and I sat down in my brown.

"I unpacked Dan's room." I said, staring at the box of tissues on the coffee table in front of us.

"Oh?" Her eyebrows rose in surprise. "And how did you feel when you were packing up Dan's stuff?"

_Lost. Unsure. Confused. _"Fine."

"Did you find anything interesting?" She steepled her fingers under her chin.

"I found a locket."

"A locket?"

"Yeah. It was in Lia's things. I'm not sure who it belongs to. I tried calling, but I couldn't find a phone number that matches."

"Do you think that whoever's locket this is would want it back?"

I stared at the tissues and the way they fluttered from the force of the heater behind me. "I think it was her mum's, who's dead." I didn't want to tell her about the paper inside. I wasn't sure what it was and I wasn't really up to psychoanalytic speculation at this point in time. I just wanted to go home and crawl in bed and sleep.

She nodded. "What do you think you're going to do with it?"

I shrugged. "Return it, I guess."

Inhale. Exhale.

"How do you suppose are you going to do that with no phone number?"

The knot twisted and pulled. "I don't know!" I jumped to my feet and then sat back down after I realized what I had done. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shout." I resumed staring at the tissues, trying to focus on inhaling and exhaling.

She opened her mouth slightly in a satisfactory way. "I knew you were in there somewhere." She pushed her papers that were on her lap on the coffee table in front of us. "Philip, I want you to take that necklace and do whatever you see fit with it. Chuck it. Destroy it. Return it. I don't know. Whatever, really. That's a doctor's orders."

I thought about the locket that was sitting at home on my bed, where I had left it. I thought about the poem on the paper. What did it mean? Did it want to take me somewhere? Was it leading me to something? Or someone? "I want to figure out the story behind it." I finally said. "I feel like I owe it to Lia and Dan."

"Then, I guess you have some packing to do." She smiled at me.

* * *

** Hey Guise! Dan released his Truth or Dare 5 video! Finally! Now, all we need is that Vegas vid... hmm...**

**I hope you guys are liking it so far? I'm almost done with this story, so you should get a chapter or two a day here on out! :D**

**Live long and prosper!**

**&& Keep on reviewin' ;)**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"I'm going to Los Angeles." I announced to Carrie and mum, who were gossiping over celebrities at my kitchen table. After the incident, either Chris or Peej or my mum or Carrie or Bry would drop by around five. Probably to make sure I wasn't going to toss myself off the top of the building and to make sure I had taken my meds. Either one or two of them came every day like clockwork. They would be overly glad to see me, but they still had this unsure look in their eyes, like I was a cannon that was about to go off.

My mother looked at me peculiarly, like she was reading a bad headline of a newspaper. "Why?"

I pulled the locket out and let it drop on the table. "I need to figure out what this means."

"I don't think that's very…" Carrie looked around the room. "…logical, Phil."

"Why not? I'm 26, for petessake. I'm not a prisoner here."

"It's not a part of The Deal." My mum took a breath. "Phil, think about it. You'll be kilos away from Clarice and I and…"

"Dan." I sighed, finishing her thought. "I know. But, I have to. I don't know why, but I have to."

"Did you take your meds earlier?"

I sucked in an exasperated breath. _Breathe, Phil. _"Yes. I'm not being delusional. I just need to go. I need to figure it out."

"I think it's a bad idea. I don't approve."

"I don't need your approval. I'm going. I already looked up tickets."

"Why don't you guys take a holiday to California? I heard the beaches are lovely this time of year." Carrie suggested hopefully.

I wanted to rip my hair out. "I don't want to take a bloody holiday! I need to go. Alone. I need to figure this out." The knot twisted and my breath caught sharply and all of a sudden, I was on the floor, with my head between my knees, panicking. _Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale._

"Oh, Phil." Carrie knelt behind me and rubbed my back.

"Phil, I just don't think you could handle it at this time."

_No, you're wrong._

* * *

That night, I tossed and turned in bed, unable to get to sleep. I rolled over; squishing the pillow beneath my head as a glint of metal caught my eye. I grabbed the necklace off my bedside table, stomping on some boots and made my way down the street.

_If they couldn't help, I know someone who can. _

The gate always sounded like a frog warming up for a singing solo when I opened it. I snuck across the grass in the dark, trying not to trip on anything and sat down in my familiar spot between two gravestones.

I held up the necklace. "I don't know what to do." I said, sighing. "Well, I know what I want to do, but I know how illogical it sounds and I just don't know." I put my head on my knees, shivering from the cold.

I ran my fingers over the design of the locket and watched the moonlight glint off the silver finish. I thought about what Clarice said. I needed to do what I felt was right. She was sure I could take care of it, that I could handle it and that I shouldn't worry about what the others would think. But that's all I do nowadays is worry and panic and breathe.

I looked at Lia's headstone. _Emilia Elizabeth Everwood._ _1991-2012 Heaven is That Moment in Life Where You Feel Alive. _

I've read those words a thousand times these past couple months. I had put them on there for a reason, I know. But, they never actually meant as much to me as they did now. I gripped the locket tight.

I needed to find my moment and this locket had something to do with it.

Dan found it and Lia found it in each other.

But I needed to discover mine for myself.


End file.
